How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
