i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
