Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
