sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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