Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
