who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
