you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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