It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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