I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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