the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
