just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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