Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
