That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
