I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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