Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
All the doctor said was why
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
