There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
