I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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