how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
