I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
