I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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