Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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