please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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