Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
