I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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