I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
