If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
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