I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
