He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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