dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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