I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
