Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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