I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
