I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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