I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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