you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
