If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
