I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
