when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
