I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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