You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
