had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I forget how to act sober
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
