Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
