Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Randomize
