I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
