can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
