Duck Duck Cougar?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
