If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
