If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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