Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
