I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize