I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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