hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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