I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm both gender and math confused
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