Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
