so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
