You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
