drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
