I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
