I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
