Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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