why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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